11 July 2008
Written by
Brittany (
)
Published on July 11th, 2008 @ 08:54:42 pm, using 97 words, 1 view
I got a whole bunch more information about Uganda - where I’ll be staying, more details about what I’ll be doing, who will be on my team! I’m so excited. This past week - high school and reading camp went fairly well. There were a few things I would’ve done differently in hindsight, but overall I think it was a huge success. It was crazy running two camps at once, but it wasn’t overly stressful. Unfortunately, Panera is closing and I don’t have time to write more… I would like to write about some things soon, though…
04 July 2008
Written by
Brittany (
)
Published on July 4th, 2008 @ 05:32:31 pm, using 329 words, 5 views
This time away from camp has been good - I feel like I’ve been able to think through some issues and life feels a little better than it did the other day. Someone reminded me the other night to just keep my eyes on the One… It was good advice. It’s so easy to become so frantic about life that I forget that God is really a part of the equation.
Things have been better with the fam. Sometimes it just takes me awhile to acclimate to the way everyone relates here. I also had the perspective back that who knows how much longer I’ll be able to spend time with them - nothing is guaranteed. I need to be able to overlook the small things that drive me crazy and enjoy spending the time with them that God has given me.
The stress continues to surface and each time I have to struggle to give it back to God and not worry. I haven’t been completely obsessed with the stress and worry the past 24 hours, though, so I’ll be happy and thankful for the small victories.
Uganda… I was really freaked out when I wrote my other blog. Yes, I am scared, but I’m also very excited. I also know it’s where God is leading me, so I’m exactly where I need to be. It’s a good exercise of my faith.
I’m so glad that God doesn’t give up on us. I feel like I fail so many times, but He’s always right there ready to help me up and give me another chance. He has so much patience and so much love. If anyone treated me like I treat God, I’m sure that I would’ve gave up on them a long time ago. It’s been good to be able to recognize my failure and also recognize that because of Christ’s death on the cross, God grants me the grace I need to continue on in this journey.
02 July 2008
Written by
Brittany (
)
Published on July 2nd, 2008 @ 06:39:58 pm, using 475 words, 6 views
I feel defeated - on so many levels.
The fundraising is not coming along like it should be. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have time or energy to really work on it right now. I asked my mom to help me think of things I can try to do in the coming weeks and the only thing she did was tell me everything I should have been doing. It’s so hard, because I know I should have done a lot of things, but there’s no going back and I’ve been doing the best that I can right now. With my time and energy split between so many things, I haven’t been able to give as much to fundraising as I would like.
I just found out a credit card I have has been charged with some random charge these past two months and now I have late fees and terrible credit and want to cry. I never authorized the charges and sent an e-mail complaining - I don’t even know how to get a hold of these people to stop them. I don’t want to ask my parents because I know they’ll tell me I shouldn’t have gotten a credit card and they will only make the situation worse.
I don’t have enough time to keep up with so many of my friends that I want to. I’m making a mess out of my relationships in so many ways and that depresses me.
Camp is really hard. I’m constantly running from one thing to the next and stressing out. When I’m not stressing out and running from one thing to the next, I’m too exhausted to enjoy myself. Life is stressful and I need to just learn to deal with it or my life is going to pass me by and I will die realizing I didn’t enjoy it. So now I’m stressing about stressing.
Uganda is coming way too quickly. I’m scared out of my mind if you want me to be completely honest. What if I don’t get along well with my team? What if I completely freak out about a new culture? What if someone I love dies while I’m gone? What if I die?
I’m having such a hard time trusting God right now. I want to trust God and I know I should. I know He’s trustworthy. But I’m not trusting Him. I’m so afraid of what He might lead me through or what He may not give me. I could end this saying that I’m going to trust Him from here on out. I want to, but right now I don’t feel like I can. So I’ll leave it at that. I’m not trusting God and I don’t know how and I feel alone and I really wish things were different in my life right now.
20 June 2008
Written by
Brittany (
)
Published on June 20th, 2008 @ 07:16:08 pm, using 679 words, 13 views
May 23 seems like an eternity ago. I feel like I’ve been consumed with camp for a rather long time - not just under a month. As I was walking down the road today toward Gingko (my house for the summer) I was reflecting on how natural it feels to be at camp. It just feels like home and exactly where I’m meant to be.
There have been several times since May 23 when I’ve wondered exactly what I was doing. I am very glad God worked this out in such an obvious way, because if there was any doubt about if this was the right decision, I probably would’ve melted down a few times. It’s been very stressful at times. At the end of last week I thought I was going to completely melt down and be worthless for the rest of the summer. This week has been a lot better.
Our first week of camp (9-13) was canceled due to the flooding in Indiana. Houses just two miles from camp were absolutely destroyed. It hurts my heart to see people who lost so much and feel like they have no where to turn. We helped with clean up a few days that week. I’m really glad we were able to help. It was hard, though - physically and emotionally. I wish I could do more.
This past week all of our work finally paid off. We had about 30 campers and the week went really smoothly (in my opinion). We had some difficult campers, but ministry definitely happened this week. We also had some really fun campers. I found that sometimes there’s a lot of down time at the beginning of the week, but the end of the week sure makes up for it. I felt like I was running non-stop on Thursday and Friday (today)! I think I like being a director. I wasn’t sure during training and the week of the 9-13, but now that we actually have campers it’s really fun to help facilitate and plan the week. I enjoy it greatly.
So, I found out I’ll be going to Uganda. I’m excited to finally know and I’m excited to be going to a place again that I know God wants me. I’m also getting a bit nervous. I don’t have as much time for fund raising as I would like - actually I have almost none. Money is slowly trickling in, but it’s not enough. I’m trying to trust and not stress. It’s where God wants me, so He will provide… I know it in my head - if only my heart would agree.
I realized recently that I really just need to come to terms with dying. I think if I could do that I wouldn’t be afraid of nearly as many things as I am. Most of the time when I’m afraid it’s because I’m afraid of dying. I’m ironically listening to a song right now that says “Everybody dies but not everybody lives.” I also watched a movie recently with a similar line in it (I don’t remember which one). I spend so much time and energy trying to be safe (physically and emotionally) that I know I’m missing out on living! I want to quit.
I keep thinking back to a blog entry I wrote about coming to terms with who I am and who God made me to be. I’ve completely lost it. I find myself despising myself again for who I am. It’s jealously and pain from being overlooked. I hate the insecurity. Why can’t I just go back to when I was okay with who I was?
I’ve been reading a lot recently - I finally finished The Pursuit of God. I also read Messy Spirituality. I started Ruthless Trust this week - I think all of these books are exactly what I need to be reading right now. I’m always amazed at how God always seems to lead me right to the songs and books I need at the exact moments that I need them in my life.
28 May 2008
Written by
Brittany (
)
Published on May 28th, 2008 @ 02:58:16 pm, using 633 words, 16 views
My blog has again turned into a day by day journal of my thoughts and events of the day. This is good because it helps keep me sane, but I also feel like in some ways I’ve lost sight of what I wanted to accomplish with my new blog. I want to continue to focus more on Christ and on His kingdom.
I always seem to go through a cycle in my life - I get on fire for Christ and decide that things need to change in my life. The excitement and will-power last for awhile, but then they start to fade. Sometimes they fade quickly and sometimes it’s so gradual that I don’t even realize that it’s faded, until it’s all but gone.
I think I realized last week that my fire was just about gone. I was getting in a conversation with someone about Christians living like Christ and following Him. When they started giving me arguments against serving others and the like, I couldn’t think of a response. That’s what happens when I quit caring - I forget.
I don’t want to quit caring. I want my heart to bleed for those that are hurting. I want to make a difference. I do want to show Christ’s love. Father, please bring it to the forefront of my consciousness.
Yes, it’s true that non-Christians can do good things. This was an argument given to me to dissuade me from being radical for Christ. That doesn’t give us Christians an excuse to not do good thing and help others. People want me to stay “safe". This includes staying in an institutionalized church in a rural or maybe suburban environment where people “have it all together” and “look good". That is not what I’m about. That should not be what Christians are about. That’s not what Jesus was about.
I was also told that it’s dangerous to start thinking about what “Christ would do". Is it? They said that it’s too easy to twist things and our minds aren’t like His, so there’s no way we could come close to knowing what He would do. I don’t think I agree. Of course we can twist it - we could twist anything. The Bible gives us a pretty good idea of what Christ was like, though. We have pages upon pages of His teachings in the New Testament. I feel like with the Bible and the Holy Spirit, we do have the ability to discern what the Christ-like thing in a given situation would be.
People want me to be good. They want me to be conservative and godly. How do we know what is godly and what is just conservative? I want to be godly - I don’t want to be conservative. People tell me that a woman can’t lead a man, but they speak in church - and woman speaking in church is forbidden in the New Testament as well. So how do we interpret this? How come we pick one “mandate” and embrace it, but throw the other one out? I need answers. I want to do the right thing, but I don’t know what the answer is.
I want to be a Christ-follower. I want to show Christ’s love to everyone I meet. I don’t want to focus on myself. I want to be radical for Jesus. I can’t do it on my own - without God and without others who have the same passion burning in their hearts.
A combination of events and a friend’s blog entry (http://jason4tl.blogspot.com/2008/05/i-feel-like-my-gut-has-been-hit-with.html) reminded me that I have forgotten. I will not forget. I will not go back to living my safe, comfortable life. That’s not what Jesus is about - and that’s not what I’m about.
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